Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Tearfully Frugal

When I was a little girl, I believed you could run out of tears. I thought if you didn't ration those tears, you could end up the rest of your life without them. Pain would be a thousandfold worse because you ran out of tears and couldn't cry.

Whatever gave me this notion is beyond me. I do remember being able to cry my heart out and then stop on a dime.

I didn't want to waste my tears.

I still try to ration my tears. Not because I am worried about running out of them, but basically I try to save face. In the last few years, I think I've been more opened and honest about the bad things in my life, yet, I remain optimistic and give the persona of STRONG. There were times when I suggested a scheduled nervous breakdown or claimed I reached my breaking point, but I didn't truly mean it.

I still had tears and I didn't waste them.

In what could only be summed as a crying marathon with no thought to the amount of tears being wasted on my pillow, I've cried for a total of five hours. And I still have more angst and hurt left in me. I'm not depleted yet. My eyes are swollen. My nose is an attractive Rudolph red and my neck aches in the way it does when I'm stressed. My pillow isn't completely soaked with all my stored up tears so I know I still have some more crying to do.

I do know I will wake up tomorrow morning, put my smile back on my face and try my damnest to boost my confidence and face the demons. I will schedule the nervous breakdown on a bad hair day. I'll say a prayer of thanks for my frugality that I still have so much unwasted tears and remember crying is cleansing. I will travel down the unforeseen winding road and know whatever happens.... I will be okay.

Especially since I've loaded up on the Visine and Tylenol. Crying can be cleansing, but believe me, it can be a total headache.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

This Entry is Brought to You By Lack of Sleep and Dreams Of Tequila

This has been a week of drama, fatigue, fever, and chilling weather. Eden Marie and Jacob are both sick in what seems to be a tradition for this time of year. I think I'm on day three of hardly any sleep and wearing absolutely no makeup. I tell myself I'm being a rebel, the banning of makeup on my face in the corporate world........

I'm a dreamer... even on no sleep.

I hope I can get at least six straight hours of consistent sleep tonight. It would be as equivalent to that one time I drank an entire box of wine and didn't get sick. I was a proud one, let me tell you.

Relax. It was just that one time. A long time ago.

I never buy wine in a box anymore.

Monday, November 14, 2005

The Launch

It has been a long time coming. It isn't completely finished.... but I think it is off to a great start.
I present to you: ChaseNKids.net

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Natural Can Be So Abnormal

It is Sunday morning and still very dark outside. Everyone is sleeping and I'm enjoying the silence. I'm having an inner struggle...... whether I should buck up and just go. I don't know. I don't know much about anything anymore.

I decided to be a little productive this morning and did research on submitting some of my recent work to magazines. Now that I have done this..... I will tackle the load of dirty dishes in the sink. This is my normal. Submit essays to magazine publications........wash dirty dishes. In that order.

I doubt we will leave the house today. I do know I have to get back into digesting my spiritual food as we are all suffering from the lack of it in this house. It is something I have a hard time talking about and sometimes feel I can't talk about it to anyone.... hence the inner struggle. I suffer from guilt syndrome and now that I'm a Mother it is a thousand fold worse. I feel guilty when I don't feel guilty enough.

I'm in a weird place right now. Words fail me. I wish I had someone to carry me as I travel down this new road. Safe and secure, I would just accept.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Change... Like The Wind

I know. I could have warned you.

I could have posted about the upcoming change and made it into a wonderful entry about changes in life and how some change is good, despite it being a lot of work and trouble.

I could have told you about the upcoming website... something I've been working on for four years.

I could have told you I wanted to show more of my creative side, which sadly, couldn't really be shown on AOL.

This is my new home. I will warn you now... there are more changes to come.
And we all know... some change is good.

Really...really good.